Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
