Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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