God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so let's talk penis.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
