I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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