tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
