I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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