We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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