The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
