We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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