awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
