So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
