I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
