I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I won the penis lottery.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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