I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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