I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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