During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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