pedialite and red bull = repair kit
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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