No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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