Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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