I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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