she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You pole danced in your parka.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
