she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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