i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
