You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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