JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
