you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
