Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
