hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
