I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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