I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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