His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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