When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
