The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
3 2 1 whiskey
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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