She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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