I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Randomize
