The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
