if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
