So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
