I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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