could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
