I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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