nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
