i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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