Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
