I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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