I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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