I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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