Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize