If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Pants are for mortals
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
