I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
