it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
