i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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