I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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