found the other keg... it's in the tree
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
