There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
