I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
