I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
