I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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