just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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