who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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