He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
