I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
