I wish my penis had an off switch
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
