Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
