if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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