Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
A+ Viking dick
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
