i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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