A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They left me at home... I'm a liability
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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