respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
